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Lost thoughts: brain on fire

Socialising was the equivalent of plugging a live wire into a circuit and waiting for a reaction.

I can’t quite comprehend the overwhelm I felt after going out and speaking to a friend, regardless if it was ten people or one, my brain would come back on fire. In hindsight I put it down to being so stuck in my head, having a conversation that was unpredicted and no pattern, hence I had to work extra hard to think of the unexpected answers and remain focused on what was happening.

When there’s a lot of noise in your head, choosing to focus on one thing, however small, can be particularly tricky. You don't mean to not be present, it just happens. Zoning out afterwards was my head's way of saying you need to catch up mentally with where you’ve been physically.

As someone who has never really experienced over stimulation, a sensory overload is one of the weirdest out of body feelings I’ve experienced. I’d be intrigued to know if this happens a lot for people struggling mentally or with an eating disorder. We become people who can’t cope with change, who can’t adapt, see and overcome the unexpected.

It was also a rejection of having to eat food and drink I had not prepared, my mind couldn’t comprehend empty calories and how they work. The most distinct memory was going to a Vietnamese restaurant for the first time with a friend. I’d researched the calories beforehand, I knew what was low, I’d been at work all day I was hungry. I had the meal, went home and had an ice pop (40 calories) which tipped me over the edge. I was fragile. I spent the rest of the evening immobile by choice in bed, consumed by the guilt of quantity and quality of what I had just eaten. Mum came in and watched me cry. When you are stuck with your emotions you feel rather helpless.

I have moments now where I don’t panic at what I’ve eaten and I’m like wow, you’ve come a long way. Recovery physically and mentally is not linear.