Lost thoughts: looking back

When I look back on pictures I think what my children might think of me. Will they think I’m happy, cool, chilled, enjoying life, will they want to be like me? It’s not that I want them to be any of those things, I’m just curious.

Seeing trends now a days where people say my parents were cool, they were hot, they were it, it strikes curiosity within me - what will they think of me?

Will they see the nerves and the strain and the tension. Because those things melt away eventually, you forget about them and overcome the crazy factors. When I see pictures from four years ago, age 15 and 16, I no longer see the hurt and confusion and suicidal intentions that were there when they were taken. The OCD and madness does not blur the sepia tones, it can’t come out of the page, it can’t get at me.

Did I fear becoming that person again? But I can’t forget that I am no longer that person, we are all allowed to change and grow. That’ perfectly normal and also okay. Was it that they reminded me of bad times, of the pain and the aching of cruel thoughts. Perhaps I was still hurting, the memories were too raw. Time will always move on, and as much as you fight it the images in photos will become memories and that’s okay.