← Back Published on

Lost thoughts: the hierarchy of milligrams

Being ill is not a competition, so why should being mentally ill also be a top trumps tournament. I can guarantee there are no prizes in being crazier than the next person, more deranged, par the satisfaction you can stoop to lower levels.

It’s one of the weirdest flexes I’ve come across. And it’s not really a flex, that’s being nice.

To argue over being on a stronger dose, does not prove a point or justify you are better than someone else. It’s something I can’t quite get my head round. If you’re not well you’re not well and that’s it. It’s not something you can win at so there’s no point arguing.

Some see there as being a hierarchy of depressants and pills, as someone who’s on the lowest I need it as much as you need your quadruple strength dose, in relation to what I feel and what I’m going through.

I had a very different perception before I came on pills of what they were, I put them on a pedestal and I think I thought they were alot more mystical and complicated than what they were. They’re not. Pills bring your emotions and levels back to a normal point, end of. They regulate and provide the balance some people can’t find within. I perceived myself as someone who didn’t need tablets. I could sort my own problems. That’s still true, but having a pill makes it easier to hear through the fog of my brain and utter confusion.

Until now it’s not something I’ve contemplated coming off. I’ve been on them for little over a year. Life is good. I feared before I went on them I would become dependent on them, and that is true. I am dependent on them as long as I stay on them because you can’t come off unless in a controlled way. For now let’s stay on the drugs, even if it’s a hierarchy. It’s something I don’t need to worry about right now.